Last modified on 14 february 2001

Remembering Valentine

by Anita Dapperens

 

Even though the sun shines brightly it is cold outside, but it doesn't bother me. I know it doesn't bother him either, it was his idea after all. I look up at him as we saunter through the gates of the almost empty park and I smile when I catch him looking at me. He moves closer to me, wrapping his arm around me, and silently we walk on.

I pause when he points at a couple of lost looking ducks at the edge of the pond and whispers something in my ear. We stay and watch the ducks for a while, and I can't help laughing at what he said. The ducks really do look like little clowns slithering in and out of the hole in the ice.

"You looked just like them when we went ice-skating," I tell him, giggling when he starts to pout.

Before he even has a chance to react, I pull free, take his hand and start running towards the hill in the centre of the park, practically dragging him with me. Stumbling and laughing we finally reach the hilltop, our mouths dropping open as we see the beauty around us. A thin layer of snow has covered all of the grass and the pathways surrounding us, and a myriad of tiny icicles make the trees and bushes sparkle in the sun. The small bamboo pavilions scattered through the park look like small castles made of clouds, giving everything a very unreal but romantic look. I'm speechless, just speechless, gazing from the wonderful landscape to him and back again, barely able to tear my eyes away from this most glorious scenery I've ever seen, he's ever seen, we .. It is just so beautiful.

And on this day.

It must be fate.

 

When I finally look back at him his smile has disappeared and his eyes show nothing but love.

"Isn't it perfect," I whisper quietly, afraid to disturb the soothing peace that surrounds us.

He nods, wrapping his arms tightly around me.

"As perfect as you."

Our breathing forms little clouds in the air as he leans in, his cold lips brushing mine. My tongue feels the coolness of his lips as I trace them, but as he parts them slightly I'm welcomed by his warm mouth. Our tongues automatically chase each other, entwining, exploring, touching, enjoying, but without ever speeding up. We're taking it slowly, because today, today we have all the time in the world.

When our need for breath finally becomes a desperate one we break our kiss, panting softly against each other's mouths, our lips still brushing. Closing our eyes we lean in once more, our foreheads touching and our hands, that were roaming just a minute before are suddenly still.

 

Like time has frozen we just stand there, hearing nothing but our own hearts beat, basking in each other's touch. I'm afraid to move, afraid to lose this feeling of eternity, afraid to lose him, but I know I will and he knows it too. I shake my head. Not today, today there is no pain, no hurt, just love and happiness ... even if only for today. All of a sudden I feel the need to look at him and I open my eyes. My feelings of doom are pushed back down as I gaze into his stunning hazel eyes and a tingly warmth flows through my body when I see in them just how much he loves me. My heart skips a beat when he kisses me again. It's short and sweet, but it leaves me breathless just the same.

 

Stepping back he removes his backpack and takes out a large patchwork picnic blanket. I know I'm staring at him as he shoves some of the snow aside and carefully lays the blanket down on an almost snow-free spot, but I can't help it. A picnic in the winter surrounded by this beautiful snow covered scenery. What could be more romantic than that?

I can't think of anything right now.

I help him unpack and take out a thermos, two big mugs and a small container and place it on the blanket. I grab his hands when he sits down and let him pull me down and against him. I feel so safe there and I instinctively rest my head against his shoulder. Steam rises from the thermos when he pours the hot cocoa into the mugs and my mouth starts watering as he hands me mine. I close my eyes as I take in the strong scent while I snuggle up to him even more.

"Happy Valentine's Day, love," he whispers in my ear.

As I open my eyes I look at the card he holds out in front of me, and suddenly tears well up in my eyes when I realise this might be our last.

---

A little concerned I peek into the livingroom to check up on mum. She looks so peaceful lying there on the couch, taking, what seems like, an afternoon nap.

But I know better and I sigh.

I have watched this ritual take place only a couple of times since I was little, but I know she's been doing this every single year.

 

She would take dad's picture off the wall and hug it tightly to her chest before placing it reverently on the coffee table. Then she would get the carefully preserved Valentine's card and a small notebook out of her desk drawer and lay it down next to her as she snuggled up on the couch with a hot mug of cocoa and a warm apple pie.

She would always read something out of the little notebook first, gazing intently at the picture in between sentences, a wistful smile on her face. While sipping her cocoa she would hold the Valentine's card, caressing it, admiring it even, but she would not open it yet. Not until after she would finish her cocoa and the apple pie would she finally open the card and read it, over and over again, till tears would silently stream down her cheeks. Then, and only then, would she lay it aside and reach over to pick up dad's picture. Laying her head down on the armrest she would close her eyes, cuddling the picture, no doubt thinking of happier times, until she, eventually, would fall asleep.

 

I walk up to her and kneel beside the couch, putting my hands over hers.

 

I asked her once why she put herself through all this every single year.

She had just smiled and ruffled my hair while she quietly explained how much she had loved, and still loved, my dad, even in death. But when I saw that tiny sparkle in her eyes as she told me how they had spent their last Valentine's day together, that was when I had finally begun to understand.

 

Even though it is still very hard to see her so vulnerable, I understand her need to remember that one final moment of true happiness, understand what love is really all about and I hope that I too will one day find a love so true.

 

The End

© 2001 Anita Dapperens - all rights reserved

Original fiction

• Remember Valentine
• The Cayendi Saga
• Where are the tigers?
• A change of pace
• Impudence
• Impudence (Dutch)
• Distant lights
• Said and done
• Insistent whisper
• All I want
• Going through the motions
• A moment of madness
• Mikey


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